Ho, ho, ho! Do you feel joyous? You’ll be laughing harder than Santa’s belly shake after reading these Christmas jokes. Be advised that there may be unplanned caroling, snort-laughing, and extreme cheer. Be careful… and eat cookies!
All the way to laughter, jingle! Sit back and enjoy some seasonal humor while sipping your eggnog. You will laugh harder than your uncle after eating too much Christmas pudding after hearing these jokes, which Santa has approved of.
1. The Christmas Trap
Mike stared at his phone while tapping his fingers on his desk. From the other side of the room, his wife Janet, who was already having trouble holding back her laughter, winked at him. It’s time for their yearly Christmas plan.
“Hey kiddo,” His neighbor’s cat fell over the windowsill when Ryan’s voice broke. “I hate to drop this bomb, but… your mother and I are getting divorced.”
“WHAT?” His neighbor’s cat fell over the windowsill when Ryan’s voice broke. “Dad, you can’t be serious! You just posted those matching Christmas sweater photos!”
“Dead serious. Can’t stand looking at her cookbooks anymore. Three hundred and forty-two sugar cookie recipes is where I draw the line. Call your sister in Sydney. I’m done talking about it.”
Ryan almost dropped his phone in his fear and called his sister Ashley right away. “Dad’s lost his mind! They’re getting divorced over a cookbook!”
“OVER MY DEAD BODY AND EVERY CHRISTMAS ORNAMENT I OWN!” Ashley’s office plants wilted as she screamed. She dialed home quickly. “Listen here, old man! Don’t you DARE sign anything! Ryan and I are flying home TONIGHT!”
They both burst out laughing when Mike hung up and gave Janet a high five. “Works every year. Both kids coming home for Christmas. And they’re buying their own tickets!”
Janet dabbed at her tears. “Should we tell them this is how we got them to come to Thanksgiving too?”
“Nah,” Mike grinned. “Let’s save that trick for Easter!”
2. The Christmas Angel
Despite her five years of experience in the Dead Letter Office, Eleanor had never seen an envelope addressed simply to “God” in wobbly handwriting that appeared to have been penned during an earthquake.
A letter that made her heart race was inside:
“Dear God, I’m Martha, 85 years young and running low on miracles. Some sneaky youngster with unusually fast hands swiped my purse yesterday with my entire month’s pension. $120. I’ve got five dear friends coming for Christmas dinner, and now I can’t even afford a can of cranberry sauce. I know you’re busy with world peace and all, but could you spare a miracle for an old lady with a sweet tooth and empty cupboards? Love, Martha (the one with the crooked garden gnome collection at the end of Maple Street).”
Eleanor distributed the message around her colleagues. By lunchtime, they had amassed $116 by stealing lunch money, coffee money, and the candy bar stockpile that nobody seemed to know about.
Another letter received a week after Christmas:
“Dear God, You’re a real peach! That $116 you’d left in my mailbox made for the best Christmas dinner ever! My friends said it was divine intervention. I’d say they’re right! Even my arthritis felt better!
P.S. Some sticky-fingered postal worker must’ve skimmed $4 off the top. Might want to look into that. I hear you’ve got connections with Santa’s naughty list! Love, Martha.”
3. North Pole Chaos
“Code Red! Code Red!”
Junior Elf Timothy’s voice cracked like ice in hot chocolate as he squeaked into the North Pole intercom. “Four senior elves down with candy cane flu! The toy production line looks like a modern art exhibition!”
As Santa watched the apprentice elves transform teddy bears into abstract sculptures, he massaged his temples. Mrs. Claus picked the ideal time to chirp, “Honey, Mother’s coming for Christmas! She’s bringing her entire fruitcake collection… even the one that set off the North Pole airport security!”
Rudolph was planning a reindeer union strike in the stables, calling for warm stalls and premium carrots. Prancer had eloped with a local moose named Bruce, who promised her a cottage in the woods, and Dancer was in labor (bad timing).
Santa heard a menacing CRACK as he toiled to load the sleigh! Toys scattered all over the place like confetti at a failed New Year’s celebration as the floor shattered like thin ice.
When he staggered in for coffee, he discovered that the elves had swapped it out for sugar-free hot chocolate that was labeled, “It’s healthier, Boss!” The milk jug fell out of his grasp and shattered into a million fragments that glistened on the kitchen floor like malevolent little stars. It appeared as though the cleaning broom had gone through a beaver party. The doorbell buzzed abruptly.
DING DONG!
With the intention of canceling Christmas completely, Santa yanked open the door. Under a huge Christmas tree that resembled a pixie with an enormous umbrella, a small angel was struggling.
“Special delivery!” she beamed, twinkling with festive cheer. “Where would you like me to stick it?”
For this reason, angels atop Christmas trees have a little startled look on their faces and are considering their employment choices.
4. Heavenly Volume
Tommy and Jack were spending Christmas Eve at Grandma Rose’s house, known for her incredible sugar cookies and her hearing, which could rival the latest noise-canceling tech.
As bedtime approached, six-year-old Tommy knelt by his bed and launched into a carefully crafted prayer:
“DEAR GOD, I REALLY WANT A NEW XBOX…”
“AND A REMOTE CONTROL DINOSAUR THAT BREATHES FIRE…”
“OH, AND A ROCKET SHIP WITH ACTUAL ROCKET FUEL…”
Jack, eight, rolled his eyes and nudged his brother. “Tone it down, dude. God’s not broadcasting on Spotify!”
Tommy grinned mischievously, clearly proud of himself. “Yeah, but Grandma’s shopping tomorrow, and her hearing aid’s been glitchy ever since she tried syncing it to her toaster!”
5. The Shopping Surprise
Linda had lost track of her husband, Dave, during the chaotic, last-minute Christmas shopping rush. After 20 minutes of weaving through frantic shoppers, she called his phone.
“Dave, where did you vanish to? The mall closes soon!”
His voice softened, teasingly mysterious. “Remember that fancy jewelry store from our first Christmas? The one where you fell for that sapphire necklace we couldn’t afford back then?”
Linda’s irritation melted into anticipation. “The one on Fifth Street? Oh my gosh, Dave… you didn’t—”
“Relax,” he cut in. “I’m next door at the dollar store. Big sale on gift bags—three for a dollar! Want me to grab some?”
6. The Carol Critic
“Hey Emma,” called her little brother Charlie, mouth full of his third candy cane of the morning. “You should totally join the school Christmas choir. They’re still accepting people!”
Emma, 14, stopped practicing her scales, her face lighting up with hope. “Really? You think I’m good enough to join? After all this time?”
Charlie grinned, showing off his candy-cane-striped teeth. “Not exactly. But they only perform once a year, so I’d know exactly when to wear my noise-canceling headphones!”
7. The Gift Switch
At the office Christmas party, Tom was proudly showing off photos of his wife Sarah’s gift on his phone.
“Check this out, guys. Diamond earrings! Cost me a fortune, but totally worth it.”
His coworker Steve whistled, sipping from his eggnog. “Wow! But hasn’t Sarah been hinting all year for that new SUV she wants?”
Tom smirked. “Yeah, but good luck finding a fake Ford Explorer convincing enough to fool her mom!”
8. The Budget Tree
“Dad, can we please get a real Christmas tree this year?” begged little Jimmy, putting on his best puppy-dog face. “I’m tired of explaining why our plastic one smells like old sneakers and the basement!”
Frank sighed dramatically, winking at his wife. “Fine. The things I do for holiday spirit…”
He left with an axe and his wallet, only to return far quicker than expected with a flawless tree—and not a drop of sweat in sight.
“That was fast,” Jimmy said, eyeing the pristine axe. “Did you even use it?”
“Nope,” Frank grinned. “The guy at the tree lot offered me 75% off the moment I started swinging this thing around. Turns out, the best lumberjack is the one who doesn’t actually chop!”
9. The Biblical Bird
Three brothers—Richie, Steve, and Joe—gathered after Christmas to compare the gifts they’d given their 80-year-old mom.
Richie went first. “I built her a mansion, complete with an elevator and a meditation room!”
Steve smirked. “Amateur. I got her a Rolls-Royce with a personal chauffeur!”
Joe leaned back, sipping cocoa. “Cute. I got her a parrot that can recite the entire Bible on command. Took a dozen church elders twelve years to train it. All Mom has to do is name a chapter and verse!”
A week later, their mom’s thank-you notes arrived:
“Dear Richie, the mansion’s nice, but I keep losing my glasses in its seven bathrooms.
Dear Steve, the car’s lovely, but the driver keeps dozing off when I tell stories.
Dear Joe, the chicken was small, but delicious—especially with the sage stuffing!”
10. The Window Shopping Incident
Karen was captivated by a dazzling party dress in a store’s window display, sure it would make her the star of her office Christmas party.
She flagged down a passing saleswoman. “Excuse me! Could I try on that gorgeous sequined dress in the window? The one with the sequins?”
The saleswoman looked scandalized, clutching her pearls. “Ma’am, absolutely not! We have perfectly good fitting rooms for that kind of thing!”
11. The Santa Hotline
Sophie’s mom was at her wit’s end with constant bickering between Sophie and her teenage sister, Madison. The latest battle involved stolen Christmas sweaters and the last gingerbread cookie.
Mom snapped. “That’s it! I’m calling Santa!”
She dialed Uncle Bob, the family’s go-to Santa impersonator. Sophie’s eyes widened as Mom handed her the phone, detailing her holiday crimes.
Bob dropped his voice to a deep growl. “Sophie, Sophie, Sophie… No presents for girls who torment their sisters. I’m watching. And yes, I know about the cookie under your pillow!”
Sophie solemnly nodded throughout the lecture and then skipped away with a suspicious glint in her eye.
“Well?” Mom asked, expecting contrition. “What did Santa say?”
Sophie shrugged. “He said Madison’s getting coal this year. Apparently, she’s the real troublemaker. Oh, and he said you should check your cookie stash, Mom!”