Parenting can feel like a never-ending comedy show you never expected. Between tantrums in the grocery store and kids coming out with witty remarks, these funny moments show that both parents and their little ones are masters of humor!
Mom’s Final Resting Place
A 97-year-old woman sits down with her attorney to discuss her last wishes.
“I have two requests before I die,” she begins. “First, I want to be cremated.”
The attorney nods respectfully. “Of course, I can arrange that.”
The woman continues, “And second, I’d like my ashes to be scattered over the roof of the Walmart down the road.”
The attorney blinks in surprise. “Walmart? Why Walmart?”
The old woman chuckles. “Because that way, I know my daughters will come to see me at least twice a week!”
The Case of the Missing Ladle
John, a well-to-do bachelor, invited his mother over for dinner one night. During the meal, the mum couldn’t help but notice how attractive her son’s housekeeper was and wondered if there was more going on than meets the eye.
John sensing what his mother was thinking said to her: “I know what you’re thinking, mum, but I assure you my relationship with the housekeeper is purely professional.”
A week later, the housekeeper told John that ever since his mother’s visit a silver gravy ladle has been missing. John sent his mother a note that said: “Mom, I’m not saying you did take the gravy ladle, and I’m not saying you didn’t, but the fact remains one has been missing since you were here.”
A few days later he receives a note from his mother. “I’m not saying you’re involved with your housekeeper, and I’m not saying you’re not. But if she were sleeping in her own bed, she would’ve found the ladle by now.”
The Birds, the Bees, and the Backfire
A mom calls her young daughter into the kitchen for “The Talk.”
Clearing her throat, she says, “Sweetie, I think it’s time we discussed… you know… sex.”
The daughter smirks and replies, “Alright, Mom! So, what have you heard so far?”
The Whisper Lesson
One evening, a little boy runs into the living room full of guests and shouts, “MOM! I GOTTA PEE!”
Embarrassed, his mom pulls him aside and says, “Sweetie, we don’t say that. Instead, just say you need to whisper if you have to go to the bathroom.”
The next night, he tries it out. “Mom, I need to whisper,” he says quietly, and she takes him to the bathroom, proud of his new manners.
Later, he finds his dad watching TV and says, “Dad, I need to whisper.”
Without looking away from the screen, his dad grins and says, “Alright, buddy — whisper in my ear.”
Secrets Unlocked
A little girl sat in the backseat while her mom was driving her to a playdate. Out of the blue, she asked, “Mommy, how old are you?”
Her mom sighed and replied, “Sweetie, that’s not a polite question to ask someone.”
The girl thought for a second and then asked, “Okay, how much do you weigh?”
Annoyed, the mom said, “That’s none of your business.”
Undeterred, the girl then asked, “Well, why did you and Daddy get a divorce?”
The mom, now clearly frustrated, snapped, “That’s enough! Stop asking so many personal questions!”
Later that day, the little girl was telling her friend about the conversation. Her friend told her, “Just go and look at her driving license! It’s like a report card.”
The next day, the girl proudly declared, “I figured out everything about you, Mommy! I looked at your driver’s license. You’re 35, weigh 145 pounds, and you and Daddy got a divorce because you got an ‘F’ in sex!”
God Will Provide… Apparently
A young woman invites her fiancé to meet her parents. After they finish dinner, her mother suggests that her father take the opportunity to get to know the young man a bit better, so the father invites him to his study for a drink.
Once they’re settled, the father starts, “So, what are your plans for the future?”
The fiancé responds with confidence, “I’m a scholar, sir.”
The father nods thoughtfully and asks, “That’s admirable, but how do you plan to provide a comfortable life for my daughter?”
The fiancé smiles and replies, “I will focus on my studies, sir, and God will provide.”
The father looks at him, then presses further, “And what about a beautiful engagement ring for her?”
“I’ll concentrate on my studies, and God will provide,” the fiancé answers again.
The father, now more curious, asks, “What about children? How will you support them?”
“Don’t worry, sir. God will provide,” the fiancé assures him.
Later, the mother asks her husband how the conversation went.
He sighs, “The guy has no job, no plans, and worst of all, he seems to think I’m God.”
Missy’s Grocery Store Adventure
A man sees a woman pushing a cart with her three-year-old daughter in it.
As they walk down the cookie aisle, the girl starts yelling for cookies. The mother calmly responds, “Now, Missy, we’re almost done. Don’t make a fuss.”
In the candy aisle, the child begins to whine. The mother reassures her softly, “There, there, Missy. Just two more aisles, and we’ll be checking out.”
When they get to the checkout line, the little one cries for gum. The mother gently says, “Missy, we’ll be home soon for a bottle and a nap.”
Impressed by the mother’s patience, the man approaches her in the parking lot and says, “I really admire how calm you stayed with little Missy.”
The woman smiles, looking a bit tired. “Oh, no, my daughter’s name is Francine. I’m Missy.”
Family Secrets Unveiled
A son excitedly tells his dad, “Dad, I’m getting married!”
The dad smiles. “That’s great news! Who’s the lucky girl?”
“It’s Sally, the girl next door!” the son replies.
The dad’s face falls. “Son, I need to tell you something. Years ago, I made a mistake… Sally is your sister.”
Shocked, the son says, “Okay, then I’ll marry Katie, my old high school friend.”
The dad shakes his head. “I’m sorry, son, but Katie is also your sister.”
Frustrated, the son storms into the kitchen, where his mom is sitting. Having overheard the commotion, she looks up and says, “Marry whoever you want, dear! He’s not your real father anyway!”
Mom Always Knows
A young man says to his mom, “Mom, tonight I’m bringing over three girls. One of them is the one I want to marry. Let’s see if you can figure out which one it is.”
That evening, the three girls come over for dinner. After they leave, the son asks, “So, Mom, which one do you think it is?”
Without hesitation, she replies, “It’s the one who sat in the middle.”
Amazed, he asks, “Wow, you’re right! How did you know?”
She smirks and says, “Because she’s already annoying me.”
Counting Lessons
A kid walks in with a black eye, and his mom gasps, saying, “Didn’t I tell you to be smart and count to a hundred before you get into a fight?”
The kid lets out a sigh and answers, “I did, Mom! But while I was counting to a hundred like you told me, Billy hit me. His parents only told him to count to fifty!”
Pantry Predicament
Mom says, “Tom, this morning I left two pieces of cake in the pantry, and now there’s only one. Can you explain that?”
Tom replies, “Well, Mom, it was really dark in there… I didn’t see the second piece!”
Parenting Logic
My 8-year-old was squabbling with her sisters, so I asked, “All right, who started it?”
Without skipping a beat, she shot back, “You did — when you decided to have so many kids.”
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