My baby girl usually visits her father on some weekends, but what happened this time had my heart racing. Our daughter asked to talk to me over the phone and used our code word, alerting me that she needed a way out. Here’s why having code words is an important trick to keep our kids safe.
When I was a little girl, my mother taught me how to use a code word if I was in trouble and couldn’t speak up. As an adult, I decided to impart this brilliant method to my baby girl. I figured she could use it to get out of sleepovers or if she had awkward hangouts. But I never imagined her needing to use it so soon.
So yesterday was like any other day, or so I thought. As I sat in my kitchen, finishing my evening coffee, my phone rang. It was my ex-husband, Dave. Our relationship, once filled with warmth, had grown strained over the years. Divorce had a way of doing that, and while we tried to maintain a civil relationship for our daughter, Amy, things were often tense.
“Hey, Claire,” Dave’s voice came through, slightly hesitant. “Amy wants to talk to you. She’s been asking to tell you about her day since she got here.” This caught me off guard. Amy usually enjoyed her weekends with her dad and rarely called during those visits. “Oh, sure, put her on,” I replied, trying to stay steady. Dave’s tone only added to the unease that was starting to settle in my stomach.
“Hi, Mom!” Amy’s voice was cheerful, but something in her tone felt off. I perked up and listened intently. “Hey, sweetie! How’s your weekend going? Have you been having fun?” I asked, hoping to keep things light. “Yeah, it’s been good. We went to the park yesterday, and I drew some pictures this morning. I drew a dog, a tree, and… I wish I had a blue marker so I could draw blueberries.”
The words hit me like a ton of bricks. There it was: our code word. My heart skipped a beat. Among her chatter, Amy had dropped our secret word. “Blueberries” was the signal we had agreed on for when she felt unsafe. I forced myself to stay calm. The word meant, “get me out of here immediately.”
“That sounds great, honey. I’m on my way to come get you. Please don’t say anything to your father. I’ll talk to him when I get there.” I tried to sound normal. “Did you have anything else you wanted to tell me?” “No, that’s it,” she replied, her tone still sweet but carrying something else: fear? I couldn’t be sure, but I knew one thing—I had to get her out of there. “I’ll see you soon, okay?” “Okay, Mom. Love you.” “Love you too, my Amy Wamy.” She giggled as I hung up, my hands trembling.
My mind raced. Dave had never given me any reason to doubt him, but something was wrong. I grabbed my keys, determined to get Amy. When I finally arrived at his place, I took a deep breath and knocked on the door. To my surprise, a woman I didn’t recognize answered. She looked at me with curiosity and annoyance. “Can I help you?” she asked, her tone clipped.
“I’m here to pick up my daughter. Is Dave home?” I asked. “He’s just gone out to run some errands,” she replied, crossing her arms. “But Amy’s inside. Who are you?” “I’m Claire, Amy’s mom. And you are?” “I’m Lisa. Dave’s girlfriend. We’ve been living together for a few weeks now.”
I blinked, taken aback. Dave had never mentioned he had a girlfriend, let alone that she’d moved in. Why hadn’t Amy said anything? But now wasn’t the time for questions. I needed to get my daughter. “Well, Lisa, Amy has a doctor’s appointment early tomorrow. I need to take her now,” I lied, forcing a smile. Lisa didn’t seem convinced but didn’t argue. “Fine, but I’ll let Dave know.” “Of course,” I said, stepping past her into the house.
Amy was on the couch, coloring. Her face lit up when she saw me, but I could see relief in her eyes. “Hi, sweetie. We need to go to the doctor tomorrow, remember?” Amy nodded silently and followed me out. Lisa watched us, but didn’t stop us.
Once in the car, I asked, “You okay, baby?” Amy nodded but then began to cry. “Mom, Lisa… Lisa is mean to me when Dad isn’t around.” My heart sank. “She says things. She says I’m annoying, and I shouldn’t be there. She told me if I told Dad, he wouldn’t believe me. She makes me stay in my room.”
The anger inside me was almost blinding. “Amy, you did the right thing by telling me. I’m so proud of you,” I said, trying to stay calm. “You won’t have to be around her again if you don’t want to. I’ll talk to your dad, and we’ll figure it out.” Amy nodded, wiping her tears.
When we got home, I hugged her tightly. After she settled in her room, I called Dave. He answered on the third ring. “Hey, Claire, did something happen? Lisa said you took Amy?” “Yes, something happened,” I said, unable to hide my anger. “Amy used our code word. She wanted to leave because Lisa has been awful to her when you’re not around.”
There was a long silence. “What? That can’t be right… Lisa wouldn’t—” “She did, Dave. Amy was in tears by the time we left. She’s scared of your girlfriend.” Dave sighed. “Claire, I’m sorry. I’ll talk to Lisa. This isn’t okay.”
“No, it’s not,” I said, softening my tone. “We need to think about Amy.” “You’re right,” Dave said, sounding defeated. “I’ll handle it. I promise.”
After we hung up, I sat on the couch, emotionally drained. I realized how crucial our code word had been. It had allowed Amy to reach out without feeling vulnerable. It made me decide Amy needed a phone, despite my reservations.
Reflecting on the situation, I realized how important it was for other parents to have something similar in place. A code word might just be the tool they need in a critical moment. But, the code word is not just about picking any random word; there are a few important rules to keep in mind to ensure that you choose a good “password.”
First of all, never use common words, ones that might come up frequently in everyday conversation. The last thing you want is for the word to be mentioned casually and cause unnecessary alarm. These are words that others can easily guess like “school,” “birthday,” colors, and such. It shouldn’t be something obvious.
Secondly, consider a phrase if your child is old enough to remember it. A short, memorable phrase or a combination of two words can add an extra layer of security. It should be something that wouldn’t be easily guessed by others but is still easy for your child to recall. Phrases like “sunshine forest,” “dancing penguin,” “blue apple,” and more. It’s best to test it out to ensure your child can recall it easily even under different circumstances, like when she’s stressed or calm.
Rule number three is to role-play scenarios with your child. Practice using the code word in various situations so they understand exactly when and how to use it. This will help them feel confident and prepared if they ever need to use it.
The experience we had was a powerful reminder of how such a simple plan could make a big difference. I hope that by sharing our story, more parents will consider creating a code word with their children. It might just be the tool they need in a critical moment.